I didn’t realize how much pride and insecurity I still had about being a stepmom until recently.
You see Sam has an incredible mom, Allison. Their bond is so special and runs very deep. My husband, Mark and Sam have such a sweet father-son relationship as well. They have so much in common– music, playing instruments, height– and I’ve always felt on the outside. No one intentionally makes me feel this way… it just comes with the territory of someone coming in to a pre-existing family unit.
God has been peeling back the layers of my heart and getting down to the root of my feelings and frustrations. Showing me that I haven’t really been all that frustrated. I’ve been insecure with myself.
Thoughts like: “He will never love you like he loves them,” “You’re definitely not enough,” and “You have to compete to earn his heart” were a constant track replaying in my head and heart.
I get emotional typing all this out because it makes me so sad that I actually believed any of those lies and sometimes they still creep back in. But, God has been speaking truth to me all along. I just wasn’t willing to humble myself long enough to hear it. My striving mentality kept telling me I had to earn Sam’s love and acceptance. My pride was not only with Sam, but also with Mark and Allison. I believed I was in competition with them and all the other parents in the world doing it better than me.
In reality, all God (and everyone else) ever want me to be is myself. My true self. The person and mom God has called me to be. Kind, correcting, loving, patient, and compassionate.
His truths that I can now hear so clearly are: “You are enough,” “You love him in your own way everyday and you’re already accepted by me,” and “I love you and so does Sam.”
It’s been a hard to truth all around in my life to accept that I am enough with all of my imperfections. What I’ve known in my head all along, but had a hard time believing in my heart is that those imperfections are what make me who I am. They allow me to lean into God even more than I could if I were perfect. I am now free of thinking I have something to prove. I’m free to walk my own journey and believe once and for all that I’m enough.
I still get insecure from time to time, but am more quick to turn my thoughts to truth. A sweet moment happened this weekend when Allison asked if Sam and I wanted to attend a Mother-Son dance at the YMCA as she worked the event. Everything in me wanted to chicken out and make up an excuse not to go. I mustered up the courage to ask Sam to go and after a few awkward messages back and forth he said yes. I told Allison that next day that I was thankful she gave me the opportunity to be brave. To be bold asking Sam to go with me, but also facing the same room where I knew their bond would be on full display and my inadequacies could bubble up.
It was slightly awkward for me, but was also a beautiful thing to experience. To dance, laugh, and make memories together was something I’ll never forget or take for granted. Allison’s invite and these pictures tangibly reminded me there’s room for all of us and we each play an important role in his life.
So my biggest breakthrough yet of this entire stepmom/co-parenting thing?? Allowing God to soften my heart and open me up to believe his truth. To push aside the lies and stop focusing on others or where there may have been a lack and shift focus on my own heart-work. I’m thankful each day for the grace of God working in me and for the grace of our family as I continue to grow.
Campbell Co.™ 